The way.

It was and it still is, but were it ever not?

I can not tell you much about my past, maybe I don't even have one. I know I used to be a bully, preying on weaker people. Only when I was drunk, anyway. When I was sober I was shy. The type of shy that barely dares to ask where the toilet is.

I don't have many friends, they all left when I became ill. It's not contagious, it just drains me. Guess I was no fun like that. I'm not dying, if I was dying maybe they would have stayed?
Friends that leaves when you're in a rough path is not really friends, they say, but you still wish they were. Being alone is hard.

I'm not all alone, I have a beloved one, but we've been going through (and still is in) a rough path of angry silence. I sometimes catch myself in answering in an angry way, I don't mean to... I'm just so tired. He sometimes seem really annoyed when I talk to him, touch him or just look at him. I kept on asking myself if it was my fault. I know it's not my fault now, and he has no excuse for being mad at me.

We don't seem able to talk to each other. I cry every night. I don't think he knows.

Just months ago I was as happy as I could ever get, he was too. It's like we just woke up one morning and could not stand each other. Is it just a rough period or have we suddenly stopped loving each other? Is it possible to loose your love for someone so suddenly when you've been together that long?

I was at an doctor, doctor of psychology. He's supposed to help me make my mind snap my body out of a bad loop of disease. He suddenly asked me if I felt safe with my beloved one, in a way it seemed as he was implying that my beloved was like an father figure for me. I didn't know what to answer! You're supposed to feel safe with your beloved one, but not in the way I felt he implied.

That's enough for today.