Secretly

Hello, it's been a while. I can't say I've been busy, that would be a lie.

For a day I felt better, I almost felt in love again. But only for a day.

It's not just that he don't tell me things, he don't even give me practical messages. If he's going somewhere he tells me just hours before leaving, even if he's going away the whole day and had planed it for weeks.
When we're out he pays no attention to me. If there's no free chairs he goes to get one for himself without telling me or bringing me one too. It's like I'm not there.
When we're out drinking, everything I say is wrong and he hushes me when I'm talking to other people. He claims he don't remember the day after.

He's acting like I'm not there. Would he even notice if I moved out?
I feel like a victim of psychological abuse. Why am I unable to tell him how I feel?

I've started having fantasies. About moving out and away, live with a friend, do whatever I like. But no, I need to talk to him about my issues before leaving him. We've been together for too long to just leave each other without talking about it.
It's been almost two months of me feeling bad about this relationship. What went wrong?

I still cry every night, still don't think he knows. Maybe I secretly want him to know? Maybe if he knew he'd ask me what's wrong? And maybe, just maybe I'd be able to tell him?..

Jealousy.

I'm the jealous type.

For my confirmation I wanted a special type of lilies as decoration, a ring that belonged to my national festive clothing and a new camera, as I had been interested in photography since I was seven years old and only had a 23euro blue plastic compact piece of 7year old shit using film.
I didn't get any of those, neighter did I get a speech, unless you count my dads 30seconds of telling everyone how high I made the telephone bill and how poor my grades was.
My sister got everything that I wanted for her confirmation. Yes, what I wanted.
When I started college I wanted to take photography at a school in the city, but my parents denied me moving there and I did not want to ride my bike for 30minutes just to take a buss 45minutes to get to school. So they sent med to a boarding school which did not have the class I wanted to take... Since I was 11 I got 100euros to buy food, clothes and other things that I needed each month. Needless to say that is is no longer enough when you're in your teens and living at a boarding school.
My sister got to move to the city, take the photography class, got 420euro each month and my mom payed for her flat, tv, internet and most of her food.

I remember once when I was much younger, my sister and my dad had been in the city shopping for a dress. When they were halfway home she decided that she did not want the dress she got after all, so she started crying and cried for hours until my dad drove all the way back to the city to get her the dress that she wanted. She now had two brand new dresses, I had a nasty moss green dress that was an handy down from my cousin and I was forbidden to wear without a white cotton sweater underneath.

I never got to pierce my ears, wear makeup or color my hair before I was sixteen or eighteen. My sister got to to everything long before she ever turned thirteen. My moms explanation "You nagged so much about it that we decided to let her have it".

I hate my sister and I hate myself for hating her. I hate my parents and I hate myself for hating them. I hate being hateful, but why do life have to be so unfair?
I feel so stupid complaining about those things when other people are without homes and food.

I know they can't undo what's done, but it's not like they've changed. They're still favoring her. Now they even claim that she looks up to me, maybe she do, but in the wrong way.

Every time I tell her about one of my symptoms it only takes her a day to suddenly have it herself and claiming she had it forever. Now my parents send her even more money, feeling sorry for "breaking her too". Well, they broke me big time! Where's my money?
I'm in dept to my neck trying to pay off my college loan that they made me get by sending me to an expensive boarding school, and I'm on benefit...

I must be a horrible person for thinking they're horrible. But why won't they listen to me? I feel like screaming and crying like a little child.

The way.

It was and it still is, but were it ever not?

I can not tell you much about my past, maybe I don't even have one. I know I used to be a bully, preying on weaker people. Only when I was drunk, anyway. When I was sober I was shy. The type of shy that barely dares to ask where the toilet is.

I don't have many friends, they all left when I became ill. It's not contagious, it just drains me. Guess I was no fun like that. I'm not dying, if I was dying maybe they would have stayed?
Friends that leaves when you're in a rough path is not really friends, they say, but you still wish they were. Being alone is hard.

I'm not all alone, I have a beloved one, but we've been going through (and still is in) a rough path of angry silence. I sometimes catch myself in answering in an angry way, I don't mean to... I'm just so tired. He sometimes seem really annoyed when I talk to him, touch him or just look at him. I kept on asking myself if it was my fault. I know it's not my fault now, and he has no excuse for being mad at me.

We don't seem able to talk to each other. I cry every night. I don't think he knows.

Just months ago I was as happy as I could ever get, he was too. It's like we just woke up one morning and could not stand each other. Is it just a rough period or have we suddenly stopped loving each other? Is it possible to loose your love for someone so suddenly when you've been together that long?

I was at an doctor, doctor of psychology. He's supposed to help me make my mind snap my body out of a bad loop of disease. He suddenly asked me if I felt safe with my beloved one, in a way it seemed as he was implying that my beloved was like an father figure for me. I didn't know what to answer! You're supposed to feel safe with your beloved one, but not in the way I felt he implied.

That's enough for today.

Z - is me.

I'm Z. It's not my real name, but I prefer to be anonymous. I don't even dare to use my own computer or my real IP. Thank you for posting my blog for me, you know who you are.
English isn't my first language, but maybe I will reach more people this way? Do I even want to reach more people?

Thank you for reading the story of my life. I'm Z.